PICASSO PARTS and Other Odd Stories...

(excerpts from multiple books and reality combined into one.)
Begin.

A sock monkey walked up to Alyssa. “You look lost,” it said, “and my name is Purple and I’ll be your tour guide. Welcome to Babihand, the world where nothing can become reality and everything can be destroyed by Bob the Breaker." Now that I’ve introduced my step-grand-aunt, I would like to introduce myself... My name is Magenta and I’ll be your tour guide. Welcome to Babihand...”

Alyssa found herself quite utterly bored and confused. Why was this random creature spouting a tour guide speech? As she lifted her head up again, she found herself no longer in her bedroom. The sky was a layer of fondant, and the birds flying above were creaking their wings up and down as if they were wind-up toys. The trees were painted a light shade of yellow, and the world around them were distorted in a funky matter. The ground was mushy, yet firm, like butter smoothly spread on a night fluffy pancake. On impulse, Alyssa stuck her finger into the ground, and gathered some of the “dirt” on her under her fingernail. She tasted it and it reminded her of her grandmother’s strawberry rhubarb pie. Yum.

As she awakened from her daze, Alyssa’s pupils shifted onto the strange “monkey” resembling creature in front of her. It had not stopped blabbing its tour-guide nonsense, and she yet again caught the words “Babiland,” whatever that was. And was this monkey’s name Purple, Magenta, Beige, or Fuschia? What was with the “colorful” names? Staring hard into the monkey’s pearly white button eyes, they started to glimmer and shine so seductively Alyssa just HAD to grab at them and give a little tug. Instantly she felt her body limply shooting upwards into the sky. As she nervously looked downwards, she could tell that she was much higher than she wanted to be. Luckily, this magic impulse ceased, and drifted her onto a rainbow cloud. And there in front of her, was the most cliched animal she had ever seen. A copper goose. And next to it... a midget.

The little giant, complete with an adorable beard, mace, and copper goose, shook his fist at her dejectedly and mumbled, “Don’t take my copper goose, please.”

She stared at him like he was weird (probably because he was) and protested, “I did not think of that. At ALL. But I won’t, anyway. Although copper HAS gotten pretty expensive now days.. LOOK! IT’s what they make pennies out of!”

About to walk away, she turned and then smacked into an invisible wall. “OW!” she shrieked, “Why is there a wall? and why is it invisible?”

“Because, in order to make this story interesting, you have to fight me, get the copper goose, and only then you can leave. Sadly. I wish I didn’t exist, my only purpose is to continue this plotline! What kind of life is that?” he asked her bitterly.

“It is a noble and heroic life. You are bringing joy into peoples lives, you are bringing purpose to mine, and you are making the name of giants good and noble and honorable in stories. You are breaking the cliche, and now to pay me for this counseling give me five dollars,” Alyssa encouraged.

“Thank you,” he cried, and gave her a hug, “I die happy! Goodbye world, which I have given a plot line. And Alyssa, the copper goose is payment.” And he died and Alyssa was shot up into the next cloud, a beautiful purple cloud tinted with highlights of bright pink. It was striped in an awesome way, and of course Alyssa recognized who had painted it. And then she recognized who was painting the cloud next ot her

“PICASSO! Oh my word, I”m a huge fan. For real. I think you are like, my idol, and like, my role model type thing, y’know????” she freaked.

Picasso turned to her and glared hard. For some reason, his nose was bright yellow, his hair was blue, and his shoes were red. She could see all parts of his body from all sides.

Suddenly, his body split up and started dancing all round her, chanting, “Alyssa, Alyssa, we miss ya, we miss ya, Alyssa, Alyssa, you’re purple, you’re purple.” In the midst of the confusion, Alyssa did not notice the globs closing in on her. When she saw the shadowing fragments, it was too late. Almost. (As every good storyline has a hero, ours does as well. Except they aren’t human). In the split second before the attack, two oddly cratered moons popped above her head like bread hopping out of a toaster. Silver strings shot out of these strange white orbs, clung onto her muscular body, and drew her from harms way.

The strings also started strangling the evil fragments of Picasso.. Alyssa talked to the moons, having no one else to talk to.

“What is happening? What is the point of this? Is this story so weird because the authors probably have different schemes for how this is going to go in their head and never discussed the plots, although on purpose?” The moons continued to seemingly ignore her, and Alyssa grew agitated at the silence. Finally she realized something. Unlike in most fairy-tales, not everybody can talk, and this one also tries not to be cliched. However, one writer did have a concept for this story.. The moons stopped and released their grip on her when they reached a lovely bacon scented magenta cloud.  The breakfast cloud sang booming opera for the first five minutes.. as it did for the next five minutes... and again.. and again,, and again... Finally, Alyssa grew sick and started throwing a temper tantrum. Her mood was a bit iffy from the awkward and sudden leave of the moons, whom she had started to enjoy the company of.  The cloud started to trill happy polka-like operas. Alyssa had to plug her ears, as some of the notes were so piercingly high, they could have even shattered bullet-proof glass. As Alyssa calmed and quieted down from all this commotion, the cloud grew louder and deeper and louder and deeper and richer and oh so ugly. It was ugly. Yeah. UGLY.

Attempting not to be rude, Alyssa screamed in a clear, yet shrilling voice. Loud and clear, and in it’s ear. Shocked by this sudden loud noise, the now shy and blushing cloud (or maybe just because it was already magenta) quieted down and turned to soothing, and flowing operas. Alyssa thought to herself, this cloud must know every opera song in the world! Then it came. A loud noise, yet again. And this time, it wasn’t the cloud.

Stunned by this noise, both the cloud and Alyssa stopped to hear where it was coming from. The noise was growing louder every second. As Alyssa turned her head, she saw it. Charging straight at the cloud at high-speed was a jet plane, very similar to the ones she had seen in her brother’s magazines. And she realized her fate. As the jetplane crashed through the cloud, the purpl-y mist that had been supporting her weight vaporized. And so, Alyssa fell.

Alyssa felt like Alice, falling through the hole. Except that Alice fell through a hole. She was falling through the sky. As she spoke her last-second prayers, they instantly were granted. Alyssa landed on the most rubbery, soft cushion in the world, if this was even the world. Flung back into the air, Alyssa bounced around for a while on the mystery surface, until her head buried into the taste of strawberry rhubarb pie.

And the last words she heard before she woke up were “my name is Purple and I’ll be your tour guide.”

-The End